Up until recently, I had never in my life had a healthy relationship with
food.
As a kid, I remember my favorite meal being French fries deep fried and slathered in ketchup. My favorite day of the week was Sundays because my parents went out to brunch to eat by themselves and would bring my sister and I McDonald's home to eat. For some people, the smell of a campfire or smell of rain on a summers night remind them of being a child. Me? The smell of a cheeseburger Happy Meal takes me back to being a kid. Scary, isn't it?
I was a chubby kid through the earlier elementary school grades. I remember someone in Grade 3 calling me a cow. That hurt and has always stuck with me. I started leaving notes for myself in candy dishes around the house, "no chantelle!! Don't eat me" so I'd be deterred from indulging in that particular treat. Not a healthy habit for a child.
As a kid, I remember my favorite meal being French fries deep fried and slathered in ketchup. My favorite day of the week was Sundays because my parents went out to brunch to eat by themselves and would bring my sister and I McDonald's home to eat. For some people, the smell of a campfire or smell of rain on a summers night remind them of being a child. Me? The smell of a cheeseburger Happy Meal takes me back to being a kid. Scary, isn't it?
I was a chubby kid through the earlier elementary school grades. I remember someone in Grade 3 calling me a cow. That hurt and has always stuck with me. I started leaving notes for myself in candy dishes around the house, "no chantelle!! Don't eat me" so I'd be deterred from indulging in that particular treat. Not a healthy habit for a child.
(me, in the yellow, in Grade 3)
(another from Grade 3, I’m in the blue hat...Man I miss 90’s
fashion)
I thinned out as I grew up but never thought of myself as a thin kid. I always thought I was fat. I compared myself to my thin friends and was never ever satisfied with how much better they looked than me.
I thinned out as I grew up but never thought of myself as a thin kid. I always thought I was fat. I compared myself to my thin friends and was never ever satisfied with how much better they looked than me.
(me, grade 5 or 6....I had thinned out a bit here but still
thought I was fat. CHECK OUT THAT PHONE! ITS HUGE! Lol)
In high school, I got a job at a local eating establishment and things started going downhill from there. When I was hired at this job in Grade 10, I had already begun packing on the pounds. But when I started working more often and having closing shifts, I started eating at work more and often indulged in the deep fried french fries of my childhood again.
(me, grade 11 on the far right, eating a TimBit donut)
Whenever I would work closing shifts at work during high school (5-10pm), I would eat supper at home immediately after school. And then i would have a burger and fries or poutine at work during my break. And then sometimes I'd have cake slathered in whipped cream before my shift was done! The cake and whipped cream was probably 75% of my daily calories right there!
Looking back at that time of my life, I was a depressed, over-dramatic teenager who turned to food for comfort. I was unhappy with the way I looked and I looked the way I was because I was unhappy. I don't like looking at myself in photos from these years of my life. I see the sadness in my eyes and wish that I would've spent more time taking care of myself. My destructive eating in high school set me up for (more) years of self conscious behaviour.
Grad loomed before I knew it and in the pressure to look beautiful on grad day, I started eating less. And less. If I didn't look good (to me "good" meant skinny), i didn't even want to bother going at all! Before I knew it, I was taking in just a few hundred calories per day. I dropped 30+ lbs, fast. People kept telling me how good I was looking and asking how I lost the weight. It was an awesome feeling. Until I lost weight, boys hadn't paid attention to me. But suddenly I was thinner and people cared! I was more outgoing, I was happier (so I thought).
Grad came and went. I had to get my grad dress heavily taken in because I had lost that 30+ lbs. But it felt awesome to look the way I always hoped I would on grad day!
But things didn't get better after high school. I still didn't feel thin enough. I started lightly exercising to burn off extra calories from the foods I did eat. I eventually lost another 20 lbs and was at my lightest weight ever! It was exhilarating to step on the scale and see those lower numbers!
Eventually I met my husband and we moved to Regina. The destructive eating didn't stop. I specifically remember being part of a "pro anorexia" website forum where other girls in the same position as I traded "thinspiration" photos of one another and tips on how not to eat. There were days when all I would ingest was vegetables and dip and coffee. Or fruit and coffee.
Then, I became pregnant. It was terrifying. I didn't want to get fat! I remember being torn between being excited and upset about my pregnancy. I was excited to be a mom but I wanted to not get fat, stretch marks, etc.
I treated my pregnancy like a free-for-all. I ate everything in site and none of it was healthy. "Salads? Psh, nope. I'm having ketchup chips even though they give me disgusting heartburn!" I ate and I ate and I ate. Even my doctor telling me that I has gained 10lbs since our last visit was not enough to stop me. I was letting myself eat all the "comfort" foods i had banned from my diet 4 years earlier. I was at 200lbs before I knew it. I knew I had gained way too much but I didn't care. My love for the food I had not let myself eat for so long was greater than my love of my body. I know now how terrible it was to let myself get that bad, eat that terrible food and I'm thankful Melina was born healthy despite of that!
Whenever I would work closing shifts at work during high school (5-10pm), I would eat supper at home immediately after school. And then i would have a burger and fries or poutine at work during my break. And then sometimes I'd have cake slathered in whipped cream before my shift was done! The cake and whipped cream was probably 75% of my daily calories right there!
Looking back at that time of my life, I was a depressed, over-dramatic teenager who turned to food for comfort. I was unhappy with the way I looked and I looked the way I was because I was unhappy. I don't like looking at myself in photos from these years of my life. I see the sadness in my eyes and wish that I would've spent more time taking care of myself. My destructive eating in high school set me up for (more) years of self conscious behaviour.
Grad loomed before I knew it and in the pressure to look beautiful on grad day, I started eating less. And less. If I didn't look good (to me "good" meant skinny), i didn't even want to bother going at all! Before I knew it, I was taking in just a few hundred calories per day. I dropped 30+ lbs, fast. People kept telling me how good I was looking and asking how I lost the weight. It was an awesome feeling. Until I lost weight, boys hadn't paid attention to me. But suddenly I was thinner and people cared! I was more outgoing, I was happier (so I thought).
Grad came and went. I had to get my grad dress heavily taken in because I had lost that 30+ lbs. But it felt awesome to look the way I always hoped I would on grad day!
But things didn't get better after high school. I still didn't feel thin enough. I started lightly exercising to burn off extra calories from the foods I did eat. I eventually lost another 20 lbs and was at my lightest weight ever! It was exhilarating to step on the scale and see those lower numbers!
Eventually I met my husband and we moved to Regina. The destructive eating didn't stop. I specifically remember being part of a "pro anorexia" website forum where other girls in the same position as I traded "thinspiration" photos of one another and tips on how not to eat. There were days when all I would ingest was vegetables and dip and coffee. Or fruit and coffee.
Then, I became pregnant. It was terrifying. I didn't want to get fat! I remember being torn between being excited and upset about my pregnancy. I was excited to be a mom but I wanted to not get fat, stretch marks, etc.
I treated my pregnancy like a free-for-all. I ate everything in site and none of it was healthy. "Salads? Psh, nope. I'm having ketchup chips even though they give me disgusting heartburn!" I ate and I ate and I ate. Even my doctor telling me that I has gained 10lbs since our last visit was not enough to stop me. I was letting myself eat all the "comfort" foods i had banned from my diet 4 years earlier. I was at 200lbs before I knew it. I knew I had gained way too much but I didn't care. My love for the food I had not let myself eat for so long was greater than my love of my body. I know now how terrible it was to let myself get that bad, eat that terrible food and I'm thankful Melina was born healthy despite of that!
(the day we were admitted to the hospital..Melina was born
the next afternoon)
(Look at how uncomfortable I looked and how wide my face
got)
I will be the first to admit that it's hard for me to hear numbers sometimes. If I hear people talking about how many calories they ate and it's less than the number I ate, I get competitive. Numbers still trigger me. But I'm at a point in my recovery from these destructive eating habits (both over AND under eating) where I know I need to concentrate on me. I know I need to put on my blinders when certain topics come up in conversation or else I (a) get tempted to slip back to my old ways or (b) feel terrible about myself for an extended period of time.
I know now, because I have taken the time to educate myself, that losing weight is not something I can prescribe a time limit to. It's something I need to do for me. Steadily and slowly. Because if I don't take the time to make the necessary lifestyle changes, my weight loss will be temporary again. And I don't want a temporary solution. I want a permanent lifestyle change. I want to give myself 100% to this journey and prove to myself that I don't need to starve myself or deprive myself to succeed. I am a survivor, I'm not gone give up (Yes, I definitely just quoted Destiny’s Child circa 2001. It felt right.)
This is me now, 65 lbs lighter since starting my fitness journey, and I have to say that this is probably the happiest I've ever been with my body. I feel confident for the first time in my life. I love having muscle. I love flexing my muscles. And I love feeling strong. I love that although I mistreated my body for so many years and spent so much of my life hating myself, I was able to rebound and find my passion for fitness in the process.
I'm still working on my body as we speak. I'm currently doing Insanity to lose a bit more fat and then I plan on building some SERIOUS muscle mass with Body Beast, a new program from Beachbody. I can't wait to see what the next few months will bring me.
